Archive for December, 2013


MINE

Now I wasn’t supposed to love you, was I?

“I can’t love you cause I am madly in love with someone and maybe… well just maybe, I needed some company and you comforted me in those times.”

Don’t mind it, it’s my brain… not me. Well, my brain is a part of me so logically speaking – yeah, I said them. But honestly, I didn’t want to. My brain is working tricks on me again and it makes me think about things better left forgotten. I am sorry. It’s Christmas and I don’t want to ruin the season but holidays or no holidays, I don’t want to ruin what we have right now. I am very much guilty for still rewinding the past when it shouldn’t have to be part of the present especially between us. Again, my brain is the one responsible and I own my brain which makes me the more responsible here. But so as my heart, and my heart is the most important part of me, and my heart says something else.

I can’t hear a beat but I feel it yearning for your presence. Especially now that you are so so far away, baby. It makes me even feel that you are so close to me than you ever had. I just miss your laughs and your silly gestures when you laugh. 😀 I’ve never been this close and happy with someone. Tell you what, when we’re together, the sense of contentment always whispers in my ear and pierce me straightly to my heart. It really feels good, you know. I hope you feel the same, even if I have my lapses especially those you noticed and most especially to the ones I haven’t showed you yet. How I wish you could feel my mistakes towards you, no not mistakes but betrayals… the secret ones so that I don’t have to gain courage to tell you personally. But I want you to know that I love you and I…

 

“I still love him. That boy who gave me nothing but pain. Especially now, he’s got a new girl… I can’t look them in the eyes when they’re together…”

 

My brain. Again… I swear, it got nothing to do with us. Maybe I got used to telling myself how useless and worthless I am that someone had dared to reject me. That’s just how it is, and it has nothing to do with what we are now. This is different. I know it’s confusing and I don’t want you to fully understand what I’m going through but I am hoping you’ll bare with my moodiness. Cause I love you. When I see how love works to others, it makes me think how lucky I am to have you. You’re honest and very gentleman and I don’t deserve the love you’re giving me. But I love you.

I know what we’ve been through is so tough. And what matters most is the present, I love you but I cannot unfall for him but I love you. And I can love you more every single day and it would be just how it is. You’re special and I can’t not think of you and everything you do cause you’re different and you’re mine. 

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The BIG “What If’s?”

There are some matters in this world which started from a simple speculation of how things work. For example, the existence of kindness and evil came from how men classified the actions of man based on the impacts that each represents. Giving alms to the poor shows good results so we say it is kindness and the latter is termed so because slapping someone on the face seems too violent in our perceptions. But how can we really say that the former is better than the latter? Was there any concrete form of law from the ancient times stating the verifiability of these speculations? None, as far as we’re told. But these things are accepted because human reasons involve processes and principles that give us not the exact but the “ultimate” and possible way of explaining things.

Therefore, every human is capable of thinking in any way about how the world and life go. So, try to reflect on these two possible “what if’s” I’ve created randomly. Well, to give you cues, I thought of the first one during Mass and the second when I woke up from sleep, amazing right? 😀

 

1.) Death. First of all, what is death? In my own understanding, death can imply both physically and spiritually. You can be dead spiritually but not physically or the other way around. Some are afraid to face death because we perceived it to be painful or dark. Some are not ready because they are afraid of what’s in it. Of course, nobody came back from the dead in order to give us clues on how we should venture into the new world we are entering. Death is something that happens to the ones who have a weak body and are suffering from illness. Some also says that death comes to those who have done nothing good here on earth while others ask why the good ones die first.

WHAT IF death is something more than rests and uselessness? During the homily of the priest during the second Sunday of Advent, he mentioned about becoming ready for the coming of God and that we should repent in order to be prepared on the death that is to come. Then suddenly, out from nowhere, I came to think that death is not about pain and fear. It’s about getting ready and prepared for the kingdom of God. Death is having a speck of idea or a glimpse of how heaven is.

For example, a man on the verge of crossing the streets randomly think of something so wonderful about an abstract idea that he cannot name and suddenly he thinks of getting to that place. Then a car hit him because the driver was drunk. It wasn’t an accident, wasn’t it? He was prepared and he knew something that any busy people could’ve thought instead of meeting deadlines and stuffs. Nobody can ask him what he thought in the last minute of his life, can there? He was far lucky than how we imagined he would be because of the tragic death that ended his life. Even criminals and other bad guys we knew can have the authority to think about heaven because they are humans and heaven is not limited to those who do good.

Heaven. We don’t know what it really is. Words can play a hundred of images inside our heads. And if someone could’ve seen or had the exact idea of what it is, they’re probably not here by now. Who knows, right? They are more prepared than how we imagined they’d be.

 

2) How can you say that you’ve found the person you should be with? I personally do not believe in soul mates and meant-to-Be’s that’s why I gave a speculation that no couple in this world are the exact pairs. Well, I really don’t know cause I also sound bitter actually. 😀

WHAT IF soul mates are two persons who have the same souls… exactly the same souls. Their lives are so connected that their life span are also the same as their pair? So, if one dies, so as the other half. I’m not talking about having the same birth dates or something, just their endings. You can never really tell because there are billions of people out there and it will surely be long enough to find that person who will share his/her life with you that’s why you go for the person who answered your prayers and so many questions on how you interpreted love. It’s amazing to think that when someone dies then another one (far from each other) also dies because they are related to each other… they’re soul mates who haven’t found each other.

 

Anyways, you can agree or not with these two ideas. I repeat that they are only speculations and I don’t intend to persuade you or something but just share the things that I thought could be possible in any way. 🙂