Now I wasn’t supposed to love you, was I?

“I can’t love you cause I am madly in love with someone and maybe… well just maybe, I needed some company and you comforted me in those times.”

Don’t mind it, it’s my brain… not me. Well, my brain is a part of me so logically speaking – yeah, I said them. But honestly, I didn’t want to. My brain is working tricks on me again and it makes me think about things better left forgotten. I am sorry. It’s Christmas and I don’t want to ruin the season but holidays or no holidays, I don’t want to ruin what we have right now. I am very much guilty for still rewinding the past when it shouldn’t have to be part of the present especially between us. Again, my brain is the one responsible and I own my brain which makes me the more responsible here. But so as my heart, and my heart is the most important part of me, and my heart says something else.

I can’t hear a beat but I feel it yearning for your presence. Especially now that you are so so far away, baby. It makes me even feel that you are so close to me than you ever had. I just miss your laughs and your silly gestures when you laugh. 😀 I’ve never been this close and happy with someone. Tell you what, when we’re together, the sense of contentment always whispers in my ear and pierce me straightly to my heart. It really feels good, you know. I hope you feel the same, even if I have my lapses especially those you noticed and most especially to the ones I haven’t showed you yet. How I wish you could feel my mistakes towards you, no not mistakes but betrayals… the secret ones so that I don’t have to gain courage to tell you personally. But I want you to know that I love you and I…

 

“I still love him. That boy who gave me nothing but pain. Especially now, he’s got a new girl… I can’t look them in the eyes when they’re together…”

 

My brain. Again… I swear, it got nothing to do with us. Maybe I got used to telling myself how useless and worthless I am that someone had dared to reject me. That’s just how it is, and it has nothing to do with what we are now. This is different. I know it’s confusing and I don’t want you to fully understand what I’m going through but I am hoping you’ll bare with my moodiness. Cause I love you. When I see how love works to others, it makes me think how lucky I am to have you. You’re honest and very gentleman and I don’t deserve the love you’re giving me. But I love you.

I know what we’ve been through is so tough. And what matters most is the present, I love you but I cannot unfall for him but I love you. And I can love you more every single day and it would be just how it is. You’re special and I can’t not think of you and everything you do cause you’re different and you’re mine. 

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