It’s Too Cliché and I’ve Outgrown It

I can hear their cheers and sweet love gags dominating the once silent room. The weight of somebody’s stare from my left side then to my right and the faces I see right in front of me don’t just bother but give me goose bumps in every tick. I’ve been used to being a modest person and the last attention-seeker in this entire group so I keep my head bent down in order to hide the blushing of my cheeks. My two seatmates who are suppose to be the first ones to understand the level of my humility are not attracted by my sudden silence; instead they kept on pushing me with their shoulders and cheered with the group. To be in a hot seat with someone you consider special is something that seldom happens and I thought it would never take place. It is a moment of shame and attention; a time every girl in love wishes to have; but for me, it is a time for an end.

Everything is already too familiar. It’s been months when I last heard someone saying “ayeeee” and “you’re good together” that is addressed to me. Honestly I hear them all the time but aside from the fact that these praises aren’t for me anymore, the words are alien to me as well. Everything took place when we first shared the same class, professors, and activities. I can also consider that we also shared the same experiences – a lot of them. I can still remember the feelings of shyness yet victory when our professor called us together to answer a certain problem on the board. It was the first time I felt that proud just because of the silly idea of being with someone answering in the front. It was when everything changed between the two of us; we became what others can’t term as well – when you’re not lovers yet more than friends.

I can’t imagine how huge a part of me I would have lost if that moment failed to take place. We were happy then and much happier not because everyone knows about “us” but we knew that we found something – like we are taking a firm hold of each other’s existence because it’s worth holding to.

Every day is a mysterious one. I wake up thinking if today’s the last day I would enjoy calling you mine because I know there is no bond and even the thinnest tie isn’t knotting us together. So I enjoy every moment I spent with you and making sure it’s something I wouldn’t regret in the end [something I’ve proven wrong in the later days].  No wonder I was so open and obvious of how I feel, I didn’t know what to do then or how. It was the first time the best of my best was exerted in the hope that in that effort I can make us realize that we should be together or if not, just to save what we have. Yes I agree, I was being desperate.

I remember what you’re friend told me, “It’s like you’re the guy here”. Now I know what your friend meant. The thought didn’t come to me until later when you finally decided to end it. I was the one doing the efforts, hoping for a progress, and waiting for you to keep phase. You fooled me by fooling yourself that you love me when actually infatuation captured your sense of understanding the thin line between what’s and what’s not. Those moments when I feel like you don’t know me because you look away when I seek for your attention then there are moments you give me your time and making me feel like I’m the only one that matters. I was so confused then, but not now. I wasted my time making mark-it-to-my-calendar moments with you because when you left without a word you made me realize that you never felt what you showed me. Everything was a lie, but it was a generous one. You deserve a big “THANK YOU”.

For once, that first moment our puppy infatuation blossomed just by standing in a platform and simply appreciating the beauty of intellect and fame was the best jiffy I luckily experienced. I kept on rerunning it during random times and still I feel the same heartbeat that only arises when I think about you – unexplainable. Today, hearing what I heard months ago; seeing the same faces with their sweet smiles; and feeling the same atmosphere is too cliché. It’s like I’ve been brought back to the past to warn me of what happened after that instance. The struggles, false hopes, and everything worth forgetting; I don’t want to experience them all over again.

So I stood up, smiles out though I really wanted to [for a different reason now]. I walk without looking at the faces because I might flip at how supportive they are at this “duo” and I might ignore the warning and let this momentous event repeat itself. This was the exact time when we started, this will be the end.