Tag Archive: experiences

To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern

Sometimes we say that other people’s dramas are very silly until we experience them ourselves. Indeed, experience will teach you the best lessons in life and it is true that its effect on you is immeasurable – it can change a character. You wouldn’t pay a penny for it to educate you on things that you need to learn most. It comes for free if you take it financially but it’s the attitude and emotion that you’ll be putting at risk. So here’s a hint: I’m going to share my life’s drama and you will be reading a series of heartaches and queries that you might think would be silly for today. But remember that just like what you’re thinking at this moment, I thought the same thing before.

“When will I learn…”

I kept on asking myself that question that my brain is abusing me too much cause even when I’m busy talking or when I’m dodging cars in crossing the street – it’s always ringing in my head. But the thing is that I don’t know what I mean every time I ask myself such question. It can mean a lot of things and what immediately goes inside my head are the problems that keep on bothering me at night… health, college, boyfriend and friends. But to be specific, I can actually change these broad problems into: bad diet, difficult exams, pride and envy, respectively. That’s my life and as for now its how it’s going to be for the next few months I think. I keep on making problems and worry about them the entire day but I guess that without this habit my life would be boring. Maybe it’s how God says to me that he still cares because every time I think about problems I get to hope that He will be there telling me that it’s all part of His plans. Then all of a sudden, everything feels fine to me.

I can bear the fears and aches… for a while. I can forget about the exact things that piss me off for an hour or so. I got to have a time to be free and happy or pretend that I’m not at the end of my confidence level to move on with life. My dad taught me how to get the best out of everything and every day I am trying and every time I try, I realize that I can’t be that person who makes the best out of what she’s given. I hate it but there’s something missing in my life. A hole that needs to be mended and it’s been there for a while that I got used on the pain it inflicts on me. I got numb and I lost track.

My mother was brave when she labored me at her teenage years. I was always amazed at how strong she were when she brought me out to this world that I believed that she also delivered a healthy and strong daughter with her. Well, I guess the strength she was supposed to give me remained in her womb and may have been passed to my other siblings (lucky for them). I am weak and I envy those who can face their problems. I can be the best sometimes but when it’s time for my sail to encounter the storm – I don’t know how to fight. It’s always one of my wishes that someday I can be like the other people I knew who remained firm even though they are on the edge. If I were on a cliff, I would’ve jump out of fear by then.

But maybe I wasn’t so weak after all. I get to learn important values from my own observations and experiences. One thing is that life is naturally unfair and it’s when it’s being unfair to you that it’s actually being fair. I may not be strong but I believe that even the strong people can change the nature of life because we’re made to play the role we were born to be. Just like what Shakespeare said that life is but a big stage and we are the actors of our own drama.


It’s Too Cliché and I’ve Outgrown It

I can hear their cheers and sweet love gags dominating the once silent room. The weight of somebody’s stare from my left side then to my right and the faces I see right in front of me don’t just bother but give me goose bumps in every tick. I’ve been used to being a modest person and the last attention-seeker in this entire group so I keep my head bent down in order to hide the blushing of my cheeks. My two seatmates who are suppose to be the first ones to understand the level of my humility are not attracted by my sudden silence; instead they kept on pushing me with their shoulders and cheered with the group. To be in a hot seat with someone you consider special is something that seldom happens and I thought it would never take place. It is a moment of shame and attention; a time every girl in love wishes to have; but for me, it is a time for an end.

Everything is already too familiar. It’s been months when I last heard someone saying “ayeeee” and “you’re good together” that is addressed to me. Honestly I hear them all the time but aside from the fact that these praises aren’t for me anymore, the words are alien to me as well. Everything took place when we first shared the same class, professors, and activities. I can also consider that we also shared the same experiences – a lot of them. I can still remember the feelings of shyness yet victory when our professor called us together to answer a certain problem on the board. It was the first time I felt that proud just because of the silly idea of being with someone answering in the front. It was when everything changed between the two of us; we became what others can’t term as well – when you’re not lovers yet more than friends.

I can’t imagine how huge a part of me I would have lost if that moment failed to take place. We were happy then and much happier not because everyone knows about “us” but we knew that we found something – like we are taking a firm hold of each other’s existence because it’s worth holding to.

Every day is a mysterious one. I wake up thinking if today’s the last day I would enjoy calling you mine because I know there is no bond and even the thinnest tie isn’t knotting us together. So I enjoy every moment I spent with you and making sure it’s something I wouldn’t regret in the end [something I’ve proven wrong in the later days].  No wonder I was so open and obvious of how I feel, I didn’t know what to do then or how. It was the first time the best of my best was exerted in the hope that in that effort I can make us realize that we should be together or if not, just to save what we have. Yes I agree, I was being desperate.

I remember what you’re friend told me, “It’s like you’re the guy here”. Now I know what your friend meant. The thought didn’t come to me until later when you finally decided to end it. I was the one doing the efforts, hoping for a progress, and waiting for you to keep phase. You fooled me by fooling yourself that you love me when actually infatuation captured your sense of understanding the thin line between what’s and what’s not. Those moments when I feel like you don’t know me because you look away when I seek for your attention then there are moments you give me your time and making me feel like I’m the only one that matters. I was so confused then, but not now. I wasted my time making mark-it-to-my-calendar moments with you because when you left without a word you made me realize that you never felt what you showed me. Everything was a lie, but it was a generous one. You deserve a big “THANK YOU”.

For once, that first moment our puppy infatuation blossomed just by standing in a platform and simply appreciating the beauty of intellect and fame was the best jiffy I luckily experienced. I kept on rerunning it during random times and still I feel the same heartbeat that only arises when I think about you – unexplainable. Today, hearing what I heard months ago; seeing the same faces with their sweet smiles; and feeling the same atmosphere is too cliché. It’s like I’ve been brought back to the past to warn me of what happened after that instance. The struggles, false hopes, and everything worth forgetting; I don’t want to experience them all over again.

So I stood up, smiles out though I really wanted to [for a different reason now]. I walk without looking at the faces because I might flip at how supportive they are at this “duo” and I might ignore the warning and let this momentous event repeat itself. This was the exact time when we started, this will be the end.

Yay! I’m enrolled at last. The 2-month long wait is gone already. More challenges and experiences that I’m sure to gain. I’ll take every opportunity that’ll come my way and learn from each one of them. God bless my semester. Posted two days late since connection for the consecutive nights weren’t so good.